1 00:00:01,479 --> 00:00:03,307 ANNOUNCER: These parents are Outmatched. 2 00:00:03,351 --> 00:00:05,527 How did I give birth to Wikipedia? 3 00:00:05,570 --> 00:00:07,050 ANNOUNCER: All-new episodes Thursdays. 4 00:00:07,094 --> 00:00:09,183 And watch other Fox shows like Last Man Standing. 5 00:00:09,226 --> 00:00:10,967 -Bingo. -Only on Fox. 6 00:00:13,796 --> 00:00:15,493 [sighs] All right. 7 00:00:15,537 --> 00:00:17,713 Little ones are in bed. Big ones are reading. 8 00:00:17,756 --> 00:00:20,194 Time for the old ones to drink. 9 00:00:21,238 --> 00:00:22,544 Bad news: 10 00:00:22,587 --> 00:00:25,503 this is the last alcoholic beverage in the entire house. 11 00:00:25,547 --> 00:00:28,115 Are you sure?Because last time you said that, 12 00:00:28,158 --> 00:00:30,160 we still hadthat really old jar of peaches. 13 00:00:30,204 --> 00:00:31,640 Do you think I'd be drinking this beer 14 00:00:31,683 --> 00:00:33,294 if we had a really old jar of peaches? 15 00:00:33,337 --> 00:00:35,948 Could you please just run out and pick up more booze? 16 00:00:35,992 --> 00:00:37,950 No. I can't go back up there. 17 00:00:37,994 --> 00:00:39,517 Uh-uh. I want to stay down here, 18 00:00:39,561 --> 00:00:41,519 where it's safe and life can't find me. 19 00:00:41,563 --> 00:00:43,217 Well, I'm not going. 20 00:00:43,260 --> 00:00:44,957 Today was horrible. 21 00:00:45,001 --> 00:00:47,960 I spent all day dreaming about getting down here 22 00:00:48,004 --> 00:00:49,919 -and shutting off my brain. -Okay. 23 00:00:49,962 --> 00:00:52,313 Let's play a little game. 24 00:00:52,356 --> 00:00:55,185 Worst day gets to keep hiding in the basement. 25 00:00:55,229 --> 00:00:58,145 Loser gets more beers. 26 00:00:58,188 --> 00:00:59,450 [chuckles] Bring it. 27 00:00:59,494 --> 00:01:01,365 Okay. 28 00:01:01,409 --> 00:01:04,368 After work, I walked in on Irwinchanging for the gym. 29 00:01:04,412 --> 00:01:06,762 I saw everything. 30 00:01:06,805 --> 00:01:08,503 Still seeing it now. 31 00:01:08,546 --> 00:01:10,157 [scoffs] That's nothing. 32 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:13,116 One of the burlesque dancersfrom the casino called in sick, 33 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,249 and since I'm covering for everyone lately... 34 00:01:15,292 --> 00:01:17,338 -You didn't. -I wish. 35 00:01:17,381 --> 00:01:19,731 I had to pick up her kid from day care. 36 00:01:19,775 --> 00:01:21,124 Okay. 37 00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:23,300 -Point you. -Home was more brutal. 38 00:01:23,344 --> 00:01:25,128 No one could decide what they wanted for dinner, 39 00:01:25,172 --> 00:01:27,217 so I said it's Taco Tuesday 40 00:01:27,261 --> 00:01:30,568 and then Nicole accused me of cultural appropriation. 41 00:01:30,612 --> 00:01:32,353 You think that's bad? 42 00:01:32,396 --> 00:01:34,790 Up until right now, I thought today was Friday. 43 00:01:34,833 --> 00:01:35,834 Oof. 44 00:01:37,836 --> 00:01:41,057 What would these two think if they heard us complaining? 45 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,754 Look at them. 46 00:01:42,798 --> 00:01:45,192 So young. So happy. 47 00:01:45,235 --> 00:01:47,281 -You know why they're so happy?-Huh? 48 00:01:47,324 --> 00:01:51,415 'Cause they get to be in this basement all the time. 49 00:01:51,459 --> 00:01:52,590 -How about this? -Mm? 50 00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:54,636 You finally hang up this picture, 51 00:01:54,679 --> 00:01:56,333 we split the beer. 52 00:01:57,552 --> 00:01:59,641 Done. 53 00:01:59,684 --> 00:02:03,427 Splitting rules apply, you pour, 54 00:02:03,471 --> 00:02:06,256 -I... Oh! -Babe, are you okay? 55 00:02:06,300 --> 00:02:07,518 Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm-I'm fine. 56 00:02:07,562 --> 00:02:10,826 But... I think there's something in here. 57 00:02:10,869 --> 00:02:12,480 Can we drink it? 58 00:02:13,568 --> 00:02:16,832 It looks like... black mold. 59 00:02:16,875 --> 00:02:20,009 [gasps] Oh, my God, we're rich! 60 00:02:21,053 --> 00:02:23,969 No. No, no, no, that-that's black gold. 61 00:02:24,013 --> 00:02:25,754 This-this is poison. 62 00:02:25,797 --> 00:02:27,277 Ugh. 63 00:02:27,321 --> 00:02:28,626 We got to get out of here. 64 00:02:31,238 --> 00:02:33,240 Oh, bring that beer! 65 00:02:33,283 --> 00:02:35,546 Um... 66 00:02:35,590 --> 00:02:37,679 I think the black mold got it! 67 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,857 ♪ 68 00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,649 Hey. Feet off the couch. 69 00:02:51,693 --> 00:02:53,825 Hey, those apples are for company. 70 00:02:55,392 --> 00:02:58,265 And whose sweater is this? 71 00:02:58,308 --> 00:02:59,570 I swear, if someone doesn't tell me 72 00:02:59,614 --> 00:03:02,312 -whose sweater this is... -It's yours. 73 00:03:02,356 --> 00:03:04,227 You said you were gonna wear it today. 74 00:03:04,271 --> 00:03:08,927 Oh, look at you, knowing all the things I say. 75 00:03:08,971 --> 00:03:10,364 Mom and Dad have been in a bad mood 76 00:03:10,407 --> 00:03:12,104 ever since they lost the basement. 77 00:03:12,148 --> 00:03:14,237 Because that's where they would go to decompress. 78 00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:17,109 Now that they don't havean outlet for their frustration, 79 00:03:17,153 --> 00:03:19,851 they're taking it out on us. 80 00:03:19,895 --> 00:03:21,462 And they're around all the time. 81 00:03:21,505 --> 00:03:23,290 I feel like a rat in a cage. 82 00:03:25,161 --> 00:03:28,817 Now I know why all my rats keep killing themselves. 83 00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:31,254 Things will go back to normal soon, okay? 84 00:03:31,298 --> 00:03:33,952 -The basement's supposed to be done by the end of the... -Three more weeks?! 85 00:03:33,996 --> 00:03:36,520 -That's what the mold guys said.-Well, then what the hell havethey been doing this whole time? 86 00:03:36,564 --> 00:03:39,306 Don't ask me. You're the one whowanted to hire "professionals" 87 00:03:39,349 --> 00:03:41,482 who were "thorough" and "could work within 88 00:03:41,525 --> 00:03:43,527 200 feet of a school." 89 00:03:43,571 --> 00:03:45,529 When the cleaners are done with the black mold, 90 00:03:45,573 --> 00:03:49,141 I'm gonna have them come back and remove the White Mike! 91 00:03:49,185 --> 00:03:51,143 All right, it's bedtime. Everyone in their pajamas. 92 00:03:51,187 --> 00:03:53,102 -They're in their pajamas!-Well, then put on more pajamas! 93 00:03:54,364 --> 00:03:56,279 Three more weeks of that 94 00:03:56,323 --> 00:03:59,456 and I might just start taking candy from strangers. 95 00:04:00,544 --> 00:04:01,502 I can't take it. 96 00:04:01,545 --> 00:04:03,504 My baseline anxiety level is already 97 00:04:03,547 --> 00:04:06,071 defined medically as "yowza." 98 00:04:06,115 --> 00:04:08,422 What are they even so stressed about? 99 00:04:08,465 --> 00:04:10,293 Like parenting and working their dumb jobs 100 00:04:10,337 --> 00:04:12,208 -is so difficult. -[Brian scoffs] 101 00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:15,429 I know. Yeah, "Oh, my life is so hard. 102 00:04:15,472 --> 00:04:18,388 "I have to make a table and pourmy kid a glass of sink water 103 00:04:18,432 --> 00:04:19,781 "while my genius son finds the link 104 00:04:19,824 --> 00:04:23,001 between a human genome and a fruit fly." 105 00:04:23,045 --> 00:04:24,786 Oh, did you do that today? 106 00:04:24,829 --> 00:04:28,355 No, I couldn't because Dadkept swatting my control group. 107 00:04:28,398 --> 00:04:30,574 We have to do something about this, 108 00:04:30,618 --> 00:04:32,359 or else Mom and Dad are gonna crack 109 00:04:32,402 --> 00:04:34,143 and take us down with them. 110 00:04:35,492 --> 00:04:37,581 KAY: Could you walk any louder?! 111 00:04:37,625 --> 00:04:40,454 We get it, you're in the house! 112 00:04:40,497 --> 00:04:44,371 MIKE: Hey, you married these feet! 113 00:04:48,157 --> 00:04:50,115 They're coming! 114 00:04:50,159 --> 00:04:52,335 [game show music plays] 115 00:04:52,379 --> 00:04:54,816 NICOLE: Good morning, contestants. 116 00:04:54,859 --> 00:04:57,819 Welcome to We Love Our Parents, 117 00:04:57,862 --> 00:05:01,344 the game show where youget rewarded just for having us. 118 00:05:01,388 --> 00:05:03,346 I'm your host... 119 00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:04,695 I thought we said I'm the host. 120 00:05:04,739 --> 00:05:07,219 We did until you choked in rehearsal. 121 00:05:09,265 --> 00:05:10,397 What is happening? 122 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,486 Congratulations, Mom and Dad. 123 00:05:12,529 --> 00:05:14,444 You're already winners. 124 00:05:14,488 --> 00:05:18,535 All you have to do is take what's behind door number one! 125 00:05:19,841 --> 00:05:21,364 That's not how game shows work. 126 00:05:21,408 --> 00:05:25,281 There should be questions... or at least another door. 127 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:28,197 Uh, fine. Okay, there's a second door. 128 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,198 Well, where is it? 129 00:05:29,241 --> 00:05:30,939 I don't see one. 130 00:05:30,982 --> 00:05:33,071 I don't know, it's-it's a mystery door. 131 00:05:33,115 --> 00:05:34,943 -Oh, that sounds good, we'll take that one. -Mm-hmm. 132 00:05:34,986 --> 00:05:37,249 No, j-j-just take door number one. 133 00:05:37,293 --> 00:05:39,208 Mystery door, final answer. 134 00:05:39,251 --> 00:05:41,732 No whammies, no whammies, no whammies. Stop! 135 00:05:41,776 --> 00:05:44,431 BOTH: Mystery door! [chuckling] 136 00:05:44,474 --> 00:05:46,389 [chanting]: Mystery door! Mystery door! Mystery door! 137 00:05:46,433 --> 00:05:48,260 -Mystery door! -Game's over! 138 00:05:48,304 --> 00:05:49,653 Leila, just open the door. 139 00:05:50,698 --> 00:05:52,308 Pack your bags! 140 00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:53,831 Something else! 141 00:05:53,875 --> 00:05:55,355 I can't remember! 142 00:05:56,573 --> 00:05:58,619 What exactly is all this 143 00:05:58,662 --> 00:06:00,490 and why is Leila dressed like a bellhop? 144 00:06:00,534 --> 00:06:02,666 We got you a night away. 145 00:06:02,710 --> 00:06:04,668 Nicole hacked the computer system at your casino 146 00:06:04,712 --> 00:06:06,278 and we booked you a free suite. 147 00:06:06,322 --> 00:06:08,063 Sorry, you-you hacked Mom's casino? 148 00:06:08,106 --> 00:06:09,543 How could you do that... 149 00:06:09,586 --> 00:06:12,633 and not choose somewhere better? 150 00:06:12,676 --> 00:06:14,548 You both have seemed a little frazzled lately, 151 00:06:14,591 --> 00:06:17,202 so we thought some time away would be good for you. 152 00:06:17,246 --> 00:06:19,466 I admit we have been a little on edge, 153 00:06:19,509 --> 00:06:22,425 but we are not leaving you on your own overnight. 154 00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:23,426 This is insulting. 155 00:06:23,470 --> 00:06:24,645 We are not children. 156 00:06:24,688 --> 00:06:27,648 We are gifted preadults. 157 00:06:27,691 --> 00:06:30,433 We are more than capable of being on our own. 158 00:06:30,477 --> 00:06:32,566 If I'm not qualified to watch some kids, 159 00:06:32,609 --> 00:06:34,481 then how come the girls at school keep telling me 160 00:06:34,524 --> 00:06:37,048 I give off "serious dad vibes"? 161 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:42,010 If you won't do it for you, do it for us, okay? 162 00:06:42,053 --> 00:06:44,578 You're our black mold. 163 00:06:45,666 --> 00:06:48,320 But it's illegal to exterminate you, 164 00:06:48,364 --> 00:06:50,627 so just take the damn suite. 165 00:06:52,499 --> 00:06:54,805 I mean, I guess we could use it. 166 00:06:54,849 --> 00:06:56,807 This could be good for us. 167 00:06:56,851 --> 00:06:58,592 We can recharge. 168 00:06:58,635 --> 00:06:59,636 Okay. All right, guys. 169 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,899 We will accept your prize. 170 00:07:01,943 --> 00:07:03,901 -Thank you. -[chuckles] 171 00:07:03,945 --> 00:07:05,686 Just so we know, though, 172 00:07:05,729 --> 00:07:09,385 um, what would have been behind the mystery door? 173 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:12,388 A washcloth soaked in chloroform. 174 00:07:14,651 --> 00:07:17,393 You were waking up in that hotel room one way or another. 175 00:07:22,964 --> 00:07:24,705 So, we're headed out. You all set with 176 00:07:24,748 --> 00:07:27,272 -the babysitter instructions? -Yeah, but how old are these? 177 00:07:27,316 --> 00:07:29,666 "Brian likes to fall asleep to Clay Aiken songs. 178 00:07:29,710 --> 00:07:32,190 And Nicole likes to sleep to Ruben Studdard." 179 00:07:32,234 --> 00:07:33,714 Uh, oh, right, 180 00:07:33,757 --> 00:07:35,716 we haven't had a babysitter in ten years 181 00:07:35,759 --> 00:07:37,979 because they're all scared of you. 182 00:07:38,022 --> 00:07:40,068 Okay, updated rules. 183 00:07:40,111 --> 00:07:42,549 Uh, for Leila, in bed by 9:00, no candy. 184 00:07:42,592 --> 00:07:44,551 And for Marc, I don't know-- if he opens 185 00:07:44,594 --> 00:07:46,291 a book covered in spiderwebs and starts reading backwards, 186 00:07:46,335 --> 00:07:47,554 burn him. 187 00:07:47,597 --> 00:07:48,990 W-W-Wait. 188 00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:51,122 Why are these directed at Brian? 189 00:07:51,166 --> 00:07:52,994 Brian is the oldest, he's in charge. 190 00:07:53,037 --> 00:07:54,561 Brian, watch out for coups. 191 00:07:54,604 --> 00:07:57,389 Nicole, no coups. 192 00:07:57,433 --> 00:07:59,740 All right, uh, well, if we come back tomorrow 193 00:07:59,783 --> 00:08:01,742 and there's no caution tape around the house, 194 00:08:01,785 --> 00:08:04,658 maybe we'll trust you enough todo this again. [clears throat] 195 00:08:04,701 --> 00:08:07,748 You know who's really in charge.You got this, right? 196 00:08:07,791 --> 00:08:10,751 I'll just pee somewhere weird. That should keep them busy. 197 00:08:10,794 --> 00:08:12,143 That's my girl. 198 00:08:12,187 --> 00:08:15,103 -Bye, guys. -Bye! See you later. 199 00:08:15,146 --> 00:08:17,148 Resign with dignity 200 00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:20,761 or your search history becomes next year's Christmas card. 201 00:08:20,804 --> 00:08:23,415 I look forward to serving you. 202 00:08:26,810 --> 00:08:30,597 [gasps] Whoa, nice. 203 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:33,251 This is one of our remodeled rooms. 204 00:08:33,295 --> 00:08:35,819 All this stuff is brand-new... 205 00:08:35,863 --> 00:08:37,691 which means something terrible happened here. 206 00:08:37,734 --> 00:08:40,607 Well, worked out for us. 207 00:08:40,650 --> 00:08:41,608 This place is awesome. 208 00:08:41,651 --> 00:08:43,392 I don't know what to steal first. 209 00:08:43,435 --> 00:08:46,134 Nothing. Everything has ink tags. 210 00:08:46,177 --> 00:08:47,614 Remember when Rita's hair was blue? 211 00:08:47,657 --> 00:08:48,571 That wasn't a statement. 212 00:08:48,615 --> 00:08:51,356 She tried to walk out with an umbrella. 213 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:54,838 You know, the kids were right,this is exactly what we needed. 214 00:08:54,882 --> 00:08:56,797 No stress, no responsibility. 215 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,147 -It's like a basement in the sky. -Yeah. 216 00:08:59,190 --> 00:09:01,366 Yeah, I feel more relaxed already. 217 00:09:01,410 --> 00:09:03,238 I can't even hear your feet up here. 218 00:09:03,281 --> 00:09:04,282 I know! 219 00:09:04,326 --> 00:09:05,762 And your voice totally isn't-- 220 00:09:05,806 --> 00:09:08,983 And I brought something that's gonna make 221 00:09:09,026 --> 00:09:11,246 tonight even better... [clears throat] 222 00:09:11,289 --> 00:09:14,858 Bubble bath, because I thought it was champagne. 223 00:09:14,902 --> 00:09:18,601 And... botched celebrity lipo stories 224 00:09:18,645 --> 00:09:20,472 for you to read after I pass out. 225 00:09:20,516 --> 00:09:23,084 Aw. You know me. 226 00:09:23,127 --> 00:09:25,521 Tonight has to last us three weeks, 227 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,392 so we have to make the most of it. 228 00:09:27,436 --> 00:09:28,872 Well, I know of a good place to start. 229 00:09:28,916 --> 00:09:29,612 -Mm. -[chuckles] 230 00:09:31,875 --> 00:09:34,008 -Mm. -[gasps] Damn it! 231 00:09:34,051 --> 00:09:35,836 I left my purse in the kitchen. 232 00:09:35,879 --> 00:09:37,620 Oh... 233 00:09:37,664 --> 00:09:38,621 Role-play. 234 00:09:40,928 --> 00:09:42,538 Well, you are in luck 235 00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,888 'cause I'm a traveling purse salesman. 236 00:09:46,673 --> 00:09:47,978 -No. -Oh. 237 00:09:48,022 --> 00:09:49,893 I really left my purse in the kitchen 238 00:09:49,937 --> 00:09:51,678 and it has my birth control in it. 239 00:09:51,721 --> 00:09:53,767 -I-I should go and get it, right? -No, don't go home. 240 00:09:53,810 --> 00:09:56,421 That's where the bad stuff is. 241 00:09:56,465 --> 00:09:58,902 The kids will see you and suck you into their nonsense. 242 00:09:58,946 --> 00:10:00,817 -You're right. -Mm. 243 00:10:00,861 --> 00:10:02,906 -We'll just use a condom. -You know what, 244 00:10:02,950 --> 00:10:05,822 -I'll just run home real fast and get your purse. -Wait, Mike! 245 00:10:05,866 --> 00:10:07,911 -What about getting sucked in by the kids? -Won't happen. 246 00:10:07,955 --> 00:10:10,044 -I'm very motivated to get back here. -Okay, just... 247 00:10:10,087 --> 00:10:11,349 be careful leaving the casino. 248 00:10:11,393 --> 00:10:13,438 I don't want someone to see youand know I'm here 249 00:10:13,482 --> 00:10:15,092 or I'm gonna get dragged into some work thing. 250 00:10:15,136 --> 00:10:17,878 Don't worry, please. I am great at sneaking. 251 00:10:17,921 --> 00:10:20,228 You don't spend half of high school alone in your room 252 00:10:20,271 --> 00:10:23,666 pretending to be a ninja and not pick up a few things. 253 00:10:23,710 --> 00:10:26,147 -Maybe you should just... -Yeah, I'm going. 254 00:10:30,499 --> 00:10:31,718 -Mike? -What? 255 00:10:31,761 --> 00:10:33,894 Oh, Rita! Hey! 256 00:10:33,937 --> 00:10:36,548 I didn't see you there. How are you? 257 00:10:36,592 --> 00:10:38,463 Well, Mike, my dream was to sing on Broadway, 258 00:10:38,507 --> 00:10:40,509 and instead I'm here babysittinga bunch of lonely drunks, 259 00:10:40,552 --> 00:10:41,945 so I'm gonna say medium. 260 00:10:41,989 --> 00:10:43,164 Ah. 261 00:10:43,207 --> 00:10:45,601 -Where's Kay? -I haven't seen her, so... 262 00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:46,733 Then what are you doing here? 263 00:10:46,776 --> 00:10:48,604 Uh... 264 00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,085 Okay, um, you got me. 265 00:10:51,128 --> 00:10:53,783 The truth is... 266 00:10:53,827 --> 00:10:56,046 I'm having an affair. [chuckles] 267 00:10:56,090 --> 00:10:57,961 Sexual affair. 268 00:10:58,005 --> 00:11:00,398 And now I must go do pleasure on her. Bye. 269 00:11:00,442 --> 00:11:02,139 Mike! [laughs] 270 00:11:02,183 --> 00:11:04,185 Please, I've seen a prostitute tell you 271 00:11:04,228 --> 00:11:05,708 she just wanted to be friends. 272 00:11:05,752 --> 00:11:11,540 Okay, fine, uh, t-the real truth is, um, 273 00:11:11,583 --> 00:11:14,804 I'm a gambling addict. Yep. 274 00:11:14,848 --> 00:11:16,371 -I got it bad. -Hmm. 275 00:11:16,414 --> 00:11:18,590 Hundred on 22 black. 276 00:11:18,634 --> 00:11:21,419 16 red. 277 00:11:21,463 --> 00:11:23,508 Oh... That's the stuff. 278 00:11:23,552 --> 00:11:25,554 [laughs] Well, guess I can go now. 279 00:11:25,597 --> 00:11:26,816 Bye, Rita. 280 00:11:26,860 --> 00:11:29,906 DEALER: And 22 black. 281 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:36,434 Well, the house is clean, kids are bathed and in bed. 282 00:11:36,478 --> 00:11:38,393 The fact that Mom and Dadthought that we couldn't do this 283 00:11:38,436 --> 00:11:39,655 is laughable. 284 00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,744 Parenting is so easy. 285 00:11:41,788 --> 00:11:43,528 I have to hand it to you. 286 00:11:43,572 --> 00:11:45,313 Training Marc and Leila to get drowsy 287 00:11:45,356 --> 00:11:49,970 whenever you ring that bell wasa stroke of Pavlovian genius. 288 00:11:50,013 --> 00:11:52,102 Thank you. And while we're giving out compliments, 289 00:11:52,146 --> 00:11:54,888 I was impressed by the way you handled mealtime. 290 00:11:54,931 --> 00:11:57,760 I'd say my nutrition bricks are a home run. 291 00:11:57,804 --> 00:11:59,327 But that's a sports reference, 292 00:11:59,370 --> 00:12:02,852 so I'm not sure if I'm using it right. 293 00:12:02,896 --> 00:12:04,985 Imagine how much better off we would be 294 00:12:05,028 --> 00:12:06,987 if we had us as parents. 295 00:12:07,030 --> 00:12:09,903 It would've been an honor to call you mother. 296 00:12:09,946 --> 00:12:13,863 Okay, this conversation's gone on one sentence too long. 297 00:12:13,907 --> 00:12:15,822 Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go upstairs 298 00:12:15,865 --> 00:12:18,041 and practice beating some polygraphs. 299 00:12:18,085 --> 00:12:21,262 I am a golden god! 300 00:12:21,305 --> 00:12:23,481 What is happening? You said you put her to bed. 301 00:12:23,525 --> 00:12:25,788 I did. I even told her when the lights go out, 302 00:12:25,832 --> 00:12:27,137 the floor turns to lava. 303 00:12:27,181 --> 00:12:30,837 I can run on lava! 304 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,926 Wait a second, what did you put in these? 305 00:12:32,969 --> 00:12:35,667 Uh, egg whites for texture, kola nuts for heart health, 306 00:12:35,711 --> 00:12:38,235 a hint of gravyfor that little je ne sais quoi. 307 00:12:38,279 --> 00:12:42,022 You used kola nuts? Those have caffeine. 308 00:12:42,065 --> 00:12:44,198 [piano playing Beethoven's Fifth Symphony] 309 00:12:44,241 --> 00:12:46,635 Great, now Marc's up! 310 00:12:46,678 --> 00:12:48,898 You can't catch me! 311 00:12:48,942 --> 00:12:50,291 Leila, go-go to bed! 312 00:12:50,334 --> 00:12:52,293 -Yes, I can. -[piano playing upbeat melody] 313 00:12:52,336 --> 00:12:55,035 Marc, stop scoring my chase! 314 00:12:55,078 --> 00:12:56,732 [groans] 315 00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:58,908 [knocking on door] 316 00:13:00,257 --> 00:13:01,476 That was fast. 317 00:13:01,519 --> 00:13:04,653 -Did you... -I knew it. 318 00:13:04,696 --> 00:13:08,222 It's not me. It's Alicia Silverstone. 319 00:13:08,265 --> 00:13:10,006 Cut the crap. I saw Mike downstairs. 320 00:13:10,050 --> 00:13:12,879 Ugh, sorry, I should've told you. 321 00:13:12,922 --> 00:13:14,837 We just really needed a night away 322 00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:17,013 and I didn't want to get draggedinto any work stuff. 323 00:13:17,057 --> 00:13:20,103 I would never do that to you. Kay. 324 00:13:20,147 --> 00:13:21,626 You know what? I'm offended. 325 00:13:21,670 --> 00:13:23,454 And the only way for you to make it up to me 326 00:13:23,498 --> 00:13:25,892 is for you to help me with thisone little quick work thing. 327 00:13:25,935 --> 00:13:28,111 -Oh, come on. -Look, the bosses are mad. 328 00:13:28,155 --> 00:13:31,419 There's this guy at my table, he's on this huge hot streak. 329 00:13:31,462 --> 00:13:33,682 They need somebody to come in and cool him off. 330 00:13:33,725 --> 00:13:35,075 So why are you coming to me? 331 00:13:35,118 --> 00:13:36,728 Well, you know you're a cooler, right? 332 00:13:36,772 --> 00:13:38,861 'Cause you got those bad luck vibes. 333 00:13:38,905 --> 00:13:42,343 That is ridiculous. I don't have bad luck vibes. 334 00:13:42,386 --> 00:13:44,084 Maybe you are Alicia Silverstone, 335 00:13:44,127 --> 00:13:46,913 'cause I am looking at a Clueless bitch. 336 00:13:49,132 --> 00:13:51,308 Trust me, I'm always right about these kind of things. 337 00:13:51,352 --> 00:13:54,094 Just like I'm right about Clem,the janitor? 338 00:13:54,137 --> 00:13:57,097 Clem is not an Undercover Boss. 339 00:13:57,140 --> 00:14:01,144 Hand to God, he is a CEO in a fake nose. 340 00:14:01,188 --> 00:14:03,494 -All right. Thanks for stopping by. -Okay. All right, all right, 341 00:14:03,538 --> 00:14:05,105 -all right, all right. -Yeah. 342 00:14:05,148 --> 00:14:06,889 Just come downstairs for five minutes, 343 00:14:06,933 --> 00:14:09,109 tell a few of your sad stories,cool this guy down 344 00:14:09,152 --> 00:14:11,285 and you can come right back up here 345 00:14:11,328 --> 00:14:14,027 to the Honeymoon Murder Suite. 346 00:14:14,070 --> 00:14:18,248 Fine, I will give you five minutes of my bad luck vibes. 347 00:14:18,292 --> 00:14:19,902 [Rita gasps] 348 00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:21,948 Whoa, Kay. 349 00:14:21,991 --> 00:14:26,169 Don't blow all your bad luck up here. 350 00:14:26,213 --> 00:14:29,390 -Let's just go. -[sighs] I'll get Clem to clean it up. 351 00:14:29,433 --> 00:14:33,176 He's just a regular janitor after all! 352 00:14:33,220 --> 00:14:34,569 KAY: Who are you talking to? 353 00:14:34,612 --> 00:14:36,832 RITA: The cameras are getting all of this. 354 00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:39,835 I'm so sorry about the room mix-up. 355 00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:42,142 There was an issue with our computers. 356 00:14:42,185 --> 00:14:44,405 Your correct suite is ready. 357 00:14:50,454 --> 00:14:52,935 Don't be scared, Leila. We're just gonna wrap you up 358 00:14:52,979 --> 00:14:54,197 -like a burrito. -[hisses] 359 00:14:54,241 --> 00:14:56,025 -[grunts] -Catch her! 360 00:14:56,069 --> 00:14:57,287 You know the only thing I've ever caught 361 00:14:57,331 --> 00:14:59,159 -is viral meningitis. -[groans] 362 00:14:59,202 --> 00:15:02,640 Why don't you just put a stop to whatever Marc is doing? 363 00:15:05,121 --> 00:15:06,993 -[knocking on door] -Who is that? 364 00:15:07,036 --> 00:15:08,385 Uh, occupied! 365 00:15:08,429 --> 00:15:11,171 That always scares me off. 366 00:15:11,214 --> 00:15:13,608 No, I called in reinforcements. 367 00:15:15,175 --> 00:15:17,438 Hey, guys. Sorry, I would've been here sooner, 368 00:15:17,481 --> 00:15:19,962 but your neighbors saw me come to the back door 369 00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:21,964 and they called the cops. 370 00:15:22,008 --> 00:15:25,663 We had a little talk, everybodylearned a little something. 371 00:15:25,707 --> 00:15:28,536 The children are out of controlbecause someone 372 00:15:28,579 --> 00:15:31,843 gave them 600 milligrams of caffeine before bed. 373 00:15:31,887 --> 00:15:33,236 Okay, don't pin this on me. 374 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:35,108 You're the one who triedto calm them down by turning on 375 00:15:35,151 --> 00:15:38,589 a Dateline special about the Tristate Toddler Thief. 376 00:15:38,633 --> 00:15:42,202 Yeah-- Keith Morrison's voice is universally soothing! 377 00:15:42,245 --> 00:15:46,249 I'm gonna live forever! 378 00:15:46,293 --> 00:15:49,078 Why didn't you guys just call your parents? 379 00:15:49,122 --> 00:15:50,253 Because if they know about this, 380 00:15:50,297 --> 00:15:51,646 they'll never trust us alone again. 381 00:15:51,689 --> 00:15:53,430 We're all flash and no action. 382 00:15:53,474 --> 00:15:56,390 We're Elizabeth Holmes, and notin the way that we admire. 383 00:15:56,433 --> 00:15:58,392 All right, I'll help. 384 00:15:58,435 --> 00:16:01,221 But maybe later down the road, there's a new planet 385 00:16:01,264 --> 00:16:06,487 or robot or eczema cream, name it after me. All right? 386 00:16:06,530 --> 00:16:09,055 Hey, kids, listen up! 387 00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:10,447 Butts in bed now! 388 00:16:12,841 --> 00:16:14,408 Dad voice. 389 00:16:14,451 --> 00:16:16,410 You get it the third time you step barefoot on a Lego. 390 00:16:17,498 --> 00:16:20,675 I don't hear no eyes closing! 391 00:16:22,155 --> 00:16:23,895 Now I'm going to get some rest, too. 392 00:16:23,939 --> 00:16:27,029 -Alexa, turn off the lights. -We don't have an Alexa. 393 00:16:27,073 --> 00:16:30,076 Oh, right. Brian, turn off the lights. 394 00:16:40,173 --> 00:16:42,305 See? I don't walk loud. 395 00:16:42,349 --> 00:16:43,741 [sneezes] 396 00:16:43,785 --> 00:16:45,091 NICOLE: What was that? 397 00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,444 The chair's knocked over. 398 00:16:50,487 --> 00:16:51,923 NICOLE: Why is the door open? 399 00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:55,449 The Tristate Toddler Thief was last seen in Philadelphia. 400 00:16:57,190 --> 00:16:59,322 BOTH: Irwin! 401 00:16:59,366 --> 00:17:01,107 What? What? What? 402 00:17:01,150 --> 00:17:03,109 Someone was in the house. 403 00:17:03,152 --> 00:17:05,415 Calm down. Where's your baseball bat? 404 00:17:05,459 --> 00:17:08,244 -I-I don't follow. -Metal sports wand. 405 00:17:08,288 --> 00:17:09,550 Basement. 406 00:17:11,769 --> 00:17:15,077 -[clattering] -IRWIN: Ow! 407 00:17:15,121 --> 00:17:18,124 The black mold ate through the stairs! 408 00:17:18,167 --> 00:17:19,429 What is going on? 409 00:17:19,473 --> 00:17:21,953 We got to go, now! 410 00:17:21,997 --> 00:17:23,651 What about Irwin? 411 00:17:23,694 --> 00:17:26,219 Forget Irwin. He's already dead. 412 00:17:26,262 --> 00:17:27,742 [Irwin stammering] 413 00:17:27,785 --> 00:17:30,875 Oh, God, I think I just ate a spider. 414 00:17:30,919 --> 00:17:33,095 So I'm on the date with him and I say, 415 00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:35,228 "Jeff, an online bookstore? 416 00:17:35,271 --> 00:17:36,707 "With ideas like that, you should quit business 417 00:17:36,751 --> 00:17:39,362 and live in the Amazon." 418 00:17:39,406 --> 00:17:42,235 Now I guess he's super rich or something, I don't know. 419 00:17:42,278 --> 00:17:44,237 RITA: Blackjack. 420 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:46,369 -Again. -[whispers]: Okay, 421 00:17:46,413 --> 00:17:48,458 I am putting out all the bad vibes I can. 422 00:17:48,502 --> 00:17:49,894 It is not working. 423 00:17:49,938 --> 00:17:51,766 I'm going back upstairs. 424 00:17:51,809 --> 00:17:54,377 Wait, you can't leave yet. Y-You're my good luck charm. 425 00:17:54,421 --> 00:17:57,076 Come on, uh, I'll cut you in. 426 00:17:58,425 --> 00:18:00,340 Okay. A few more hands. 427 00:18:00,383 --> 00:18:02,037 But we got to be careful. 428 00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:03,169 You win more than ten grand here, 429 00:18:03,212 --> 00:18:04,735 they frame you for cheating. 430 00:18:23,885 --> 00:18:26,583 [singsongy]: Guess who's not wearing a condom. 431 00:18:26,627 --> 00:18:28,368 [chuckles] 432 00:18:28,411 --> 00:18:30,152 [screaming] 433 00:18:30,196 --> 00:18:32,502 -Whoa! -Excuse me? 434 00:18:32,546 --> 00:18:34,200 Oh, my God-- I'm sorr-- Sorry. 435 00:18:34,243 --> 00:18:36,419 Sorry. Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry. 436 00:18:36,463 --> 00:18:38,291 Okay. Bye. 437 00:18:39,770 --> 00:18:41,685 -Forgot my purse. -[screams] 438 00:18:46,212 --> 00:18:49,563 Ooh, 22. Bust. 439 00:18:50,868 --> 00:18:53,001 Well, streak over. 440 00:18:53,044 --> 00:18:55,177 There you go, as promised. 441 00:18:55,221 --> 00:18:58,789 Ten bucks? You won, like, eight grand. 442 00:18:58,833 --> 00:19:02,619 I let him smell my hair for good luck. 443 00:19:02,663 --> 00:19:05,535 See what I mean? Bad luck vibes. 444 00:19:05,579 --> 00:19:07,885 I promise you, I did not know that old lady 445 00:19:07,929 --> 00:19:10,627 wasn't my wife until I crawled into bed with her. 446 00:19:10,671 --> 00:19:12,107 Wait. 447 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,544 -He's with me. -Oh. 448 00:19:14,588 --> 00:19:18,418 Why don't you give me him, and I'll give you this? 449 00:19:18,461 --> 00:19:20,420 -Yeah, okay. -[chuckles] 450 00:19:20,463 --> 00:19:21,812 What happened? 451 00:19:21,856 --> 00:19:23,336 The casino must've fixed Nicole's hack 452 00:19:23,379 --> 00:19:24,815 because they gave our room away. 453 00:19:24,859 --> 00:19:27,035 -Ugh. Figures. -[sighs] 454 00:19:27,078 --> 00:19:29,080 -So, you just want to... -Give up and go home? 455 00:19:29,124 --> 00:19:31,431 Yeah, that seems like where the night's taken us. 456 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,261 Yeah, that's right, Clem. 457 00:19:35,304 --> 00:19:38,829 You just keep on cleaning. [chuckles] 458 00:19:38,873 --> 00:19:40,440 I hope you guys are getting this. 459 00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:42,181 This is gonna be a great episode. 460 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:51,712 Okay, just trying to work up the will to turn the key. 461 00:19:51,755 --> 00:19:54,280 Nope, not there yet. 462 00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:56,412 This is what it's come to. 463 00:19:56,456 --> 00:20:00,634 Hiding in our car in the casino parking lot. 464 00:20:00,677 --> 00:20:04,159 Actually, it's-it's kind of nice. 465 00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:06,814 -Reminds me of high school. -[laughs]: Yeah. 466 00:20:06,857 --> 00:20:09,425 Back then, the car was the onlyplace we had to ourselves. 467 00:20:09,469 --> 00:20:11,514 -Well, that and the tree house.-Different guy. 468 00:20:11,558 --> 00:20:15,126 The car was the only place we had to ourselves. 469 00:20:15,170 --> 00:20:17,172 You know, maybe this is all we need. 470 00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:20,480 Not a basement or a-a fancy hotel room, 471 00:20:20,523 --> 00:20:23,396 just a few moments in the dayto remind us we have each other. 472 00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:26,616 Yeah. I mean, this is the most relaxed I've felt 473 00:20:26,660 --> 00:20:28,531 since we lost the basement two months ago. 474 00:20:28,575 --> 00:20:31,534 -That was Tuesday. -Oh, my God. 475 00:20:31,578 --> 00:20:36,104 Well, it's not a fancy hotel suite 476 00:20:36,147 --> 00:20:38,846 or some other guy's tree house, but... 477 00:20:38,889 --> 00:20:40,717 we do have some time. 478 00:20:41,762 --> 00:20:43,198 Oh... 479 00:20:45,461 --> 00:20:47,115 Let us in! 480 00:20:48,421 --> 00:20:49,509 Oh, my... 481 00:20:49,552 --> 00:20:51,206 [kids panting] 482 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:55,515 -What's going on? -We ate food bricks, 483 00:20:55,558 --> 00:20:58,082 then we killed Irwinand we found you with our phone 484 00:20:58,126 --> 00:21:00,128 and now it's tomorrow. 485 00:21:01,738 --> 00:21:04,959 Tonight was madness. We don't know how you do it. 486 00:21:05,002 --> 00:21:08,354 I'm crashing. I need a Brian Brick now. 487 00:21:08,397 --> 00:21:10,356 We saw the Tristate Toddler Thief. 488 00:21:10,399 --> 00:21:14,534 It's me he wants. We all know how young I look. 489 00:21:14,577 --> 00:21:16,187 -Let's just... Yeah. -Go home? Yeah. 490 00:21:16,231 --> 00:21:18,189 [grunts] 491 00:21:20,235 --> 00:21:23,238 Hmm. Why won't the car start? 492 00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:24,283 I don't... 493 00:21:28,199 --> 00:21:29,375 Because it's not our car. 494 00:21:29,418 --> 00:21:30,985 -Let's go. -Ooh. 495 00:21:39,385 --> 00:21:41,909 Jason Biggs and Maggie Lawson are Outmatched. 496 00:21:41,952 --> 00:21:43,954 See all-new episodes Thursdays on Fox.